I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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