i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize