I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
