So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize