Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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