I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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