She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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