Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't tell me you're on acid again
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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