He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
