Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
