I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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