Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
