Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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