Sponge bath it is.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
