I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just gargled with NyQuil
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
