I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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