He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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