if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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