I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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