you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
