My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
