Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
