glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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