just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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