I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize