she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
