Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize