im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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