I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
someone owes me an orgasm
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
