wat bout pragnant strippers??
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
