I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
