In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this just has baby written all over it
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
