Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
