you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
