apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
