my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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