we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Randomize
