he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
