Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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