Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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