My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
