really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
