I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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