if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
