Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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