I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just want nice things and good sex
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
