Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
