The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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