So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
