Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He did a backflip because drugs
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize