Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
