Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
