totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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