as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
