No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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